The best attraction may be the kind you build... not the kind that knocks you over on Date One.

Have you ever gone on a date with a man who was perfectly nice... 

He was attractive enough.

Conversation was good.

He seemed genuinely interested in you.

He had his life together.

Maybe he even checked quite a few of your boxes.

But when your girlfriend asked how the date went, you said:

“He was really nice...but I just didn’t feel the chemistry.”

And that was that.

Next.

But lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the way we use chemistry to decide whether someone has relationship potential.

Because what exactly are we expecting to feel?

Butterflies?

An instant physical pull?

That Oh. My. Gosh. I want him feeling?

The kind of attraction where he touches your hand and suddenly, you're imagining what it would be like to kiss him?

There's nothing wrong with any of that.

It can be FUN.

But...

What if we've been giving chemistry a job it was never qualified to do?

Chemistry can tell you that you're physically attracted to someone.

It can tell you that something about him activates something in you.

But chemistry cannot tell you:

Does he have integrity?

Is he emotionally available?

Does he want the same kind of relationship you want?

Will he communicate when things get uncomfortable?

Does he follow through?

Can you trust him with your vulnerability?

Will he make room for your needs as well as his own?

Is he actually capable of building a healthy relationship?

You can't possibly know most of those things after one or two dates.

They require time.

And here's something else we don't talk about enough:

Attraction can require time, too.

---

“But Donna...he's just not my type.”

Okay.

But let's talk about your type for a minute. 😉

If your “type” has repeatedly resulted in relationships where you're over-giving, chasing, waiting, fixing, hoping he'll change, or wondering why he won't commit...

Maybe your type deserves a little investigation.

I'm not suggesting you date someone you're genuinely unattracted to.

Physical attraction matters.

You should want to touch your partner.

You should enjoy kissing him.

Sexual connection matters.

But there's a huge amount of territory between:

“I am not attracted to this man at all.”

and...

“OMG. I want to rip his clothes off.”

And somewhere in that middle ground might be:

“Hmm. I don't know yet...but I'd really like to see him again.”

That's enough.

You don't have to decide whether you could marry him.

You don't need fireworks.

You don't need moonbeams and rainbows.

You just need enough curiosity for Date Two.

Because something interesting can happen when you give attraction a little room to grow.

---

Sometimes a man gets sexier the more you know him.

Maybe he wasn't the man who made your heart race when he walked through the door.

But then...

You notice how he treats the server at dinner.

He tells you he'll call Tuesday.

And he calls Tuesday.

You tell him something vulnerable, and instead of pulling away, he listens.

He remembers something you told him three weeks ago.

He makes a plan instead of asking you what you want to do for the fifth time.

He asks questions because he's actually interested in knowing you.

He makes you laugh.

You realize you don't have to perform around him.

You don't have to decode him.

You don't have to wonder whether he's interested.

You can exhale.

And then one night you look across the table and think...

Damn. When did he get so sexy?

Maybe he didn't change.

Maybe you learned who he was.

Character became attractive.

Integrity became attractive.

Consistency became attractive.

Emotional availability became attractive.

Feeling safe enough to be completely yourself became attractive.

And suddenly physical attraction is sitting on top of something much deeper.

That's a very different kind of chemistry.

---

And while we're here...can we talk about SEX?

Because I hear another version of this same concern:

“The sex wasn't that great.”

After the first time.

Or the second.

And my first thought is...

Of course it wasn't necessarily great yet!

You're having sex with someone who doesn't know your body.

He doesn't know exactly how you like to be touched.

He doesn't know what turns you on.

He doesn't know what takes you completely out of the moment.

He doesn't know what makes you feel safe enough to let go.

He doesn't know what you need before sex, during sex, or afterward to feel deeply connected.

And you don't know all of those things about him yet either.

Here's something women sometimes forget:

Even if he's had fantastic sex in the past...

He had fantastic sex with another woman.

He learned her body.

Her preferences.

Her responses.

What she liked.

What worked for her.

Now he has to learn you.

And you have to be willing to let him.

---

Great sex isn't mind-reading.

I wish more women understood this.

A good lover isn't necessarily a man who magically knows exactly what to do the first time he touches you.

A good lover may be a man who's interested in learning what feels good to you.

And that requires something from us, too.

We have to know, or be willing to discover, what we like.

And then we have to become comfortable enough to communicate it.

“I love that.”

“A little slower.”

“Right there.”

“Don't stop doing THAT.”

“I like it better when you...”

That isn't ruining the moment.

That's intimacy.

You're learning one another.

And there's good reason women shouldn't expect intercourse alone to magically produce an orgasm.

Research involving more than 1,000 U.S. women found that only about 18% reported that vaginal penetration alone was sufficient for orgasm. More than a third said clitoral stimulation was necessary during intercourse, while another large group said it made their orgasms better.

Women's preferences for touch also vary considerably, which is exactly why communication matters.

In other words...

There isn't one magical technique a man should already know.

Your body isn't his last partner's body.

And his body isn't your last partner's body.

You learn each other.

And when there is trust, communication, curiosity, vulnerability, affection, and genuine desire to please one another...

Sex can get better.

A LOT better!

---

Now, there's an important distinction.

I'm not telling you to tolerate selfish sex.

If a man doesn't care whether you're enjoying yourself...

If he isn't interested in your pleasure...

If he ignores what you tell him...

If he pressures you...

If everything is about his orgasm and he's completely uninterested in yours...

That's information.

Pay attention to it.

But there's a big difference between:

“This man doesn't care about my pleasure.”

and...

“This man doesn't know my body yet.”

Don't confuse the two.

---

Maybe we've been expecting love to look too much like the movies.

Movies have about two hours to tell a love story.

So two people meet.

Their eyes lock.

Music plays.

Sparks fly.

They have mind-blowing sex despite never having touched one another before.

And somehow both people know precisely what to do. 😂

Real relationships aren't written by Hollywood.

Neither is great sex.

Real intimacy is cultivated.

You learn each other.

You build trust.

You become vulnerable.

You communicate.

You discover what makes the other person feel loved, desired, safe, appreciated, and wanted.

And somewhere along the way...

The man who was a “maybe” after Date One might become incredibly attractive.

Not because you lowered your standards.

Because you finally had enough information to see the whole man.

---

So what if there's no chemistry?

Don't force it.

Don't convince yourself to want someone you genuinely don't want.

And absolutely don't stay with someone simply because he's a “good guy.”

But before you write him off because there weren't fireworks...

Ask yourself:

Do I enjoy being with him enough to want to know a little more?

Am I curious about him?

Do I feel comfortable around him?

Does conversation flow?

Does he seem interested in knowing me?

Does he follow through?

Do our values seem compatible?

Do I like how I feel when I'm around him?

And perhaps most importantly...

Is there something here worth giving a chance to grow?

If the answer is yes...

Go on Date Two.

Maybe Date Three.

Let him show you who he is.

Let yourself discover who he is.

Because choosing differently in love isn't always about learning how to recognize the wrong man faster.

Sometimes it's about learning not to dismiss the right kind of man too quickly.

The man who doesn't send your nervous system into overdrive.

The man who isn't your usual “type.”

The man who may not give you movie-scene butterflies on Date One...

but keeps giving you reasons to want Date Two.

Because chemistry isn't always something you find.

Sometimes it's something two people create.

And the same may be true of great sex.

Intimacy.

Trust.

And ultimately...

Love.

Maybe the question isn't:

“Did I feel the spark?”

Maybe it's:

“Is there something here worth giving a chance to grow?”

💛

Donna